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15 Jan

How to Maintain a Resting Bitch Face

resting bitch face

W
e can’t exactly be sure when the bitch face came about but we can definitely witness its effects on the general populous – the bitch face lives as a symbol of sass, dominance and importance, and unless you are cool enough to make the bitch cut, no – you can’t sit with us.

The pioneer of a flawless resting bitch face is none other than the mighty Queen Elizabeth whose apparent disinterest in everything known to humankind is simply… adorable. In the popular culture, our poster resting bitch face girls are goddess Anna Wintour, Rihanna, Victoria Beckham, and Kristen Stewart – no exception. Oh, and Kanye West. You can’t think of a bitch face without mentally going to Kanye West on autopilot. And what happens if, God forbid, we catch them smiling? A happy koala dies. So sad.

Bitch face pointers

A true bitch face is recognized from afar: slightly judgy, vaguely bored and perhaps a tad annoyed. You’ll rarely ever catch a bitch (face) get enthusiastic about anything or see her facial expression change for any news less than Earth-shattering – like Trump becoming a president. They’ll stare at you with a very obvious (un)intentional loathe, suggesting your life would be more worth if you were a trash can. Or a plant. They’ll actively make you feel small and irrelevant. Your pride will crumble, your confidence evaporate and before you know it – you’ll be weeping in a fetal position. But, the bitch state of mind and face isn’t always intentional; for the most part, it’s not even conscious. Most women blessed (or cursed) to have a face the Internet, and everyone outside of it, dreads say they aren’t even aware they have one. They know people shiver when they are around, but they can’t really be sure why. All they know is they are not only dreaded in celebrity and their own social circles, but in the mirror as well.

Pros and cons

The negatives of having a bitch face oftentimes outweigh the positives: although keeping a straight face won’t ever put you in a position to have to start a conversation, laugh at a dumb joke, or put up with anyone’s sh*t, you’ll also rarely ever have anyone approach you, get to know you and see beyond the exterior. Sure, they will cherish it when you (finally) smile, but they’ll probably think you are an unhappy person altogether and not a force to be reckoned with. Also, your comments will be taken seriously rather than dismissed but a bubbly personality trapped behind a face that says: “go away and close the door behind you” sure can suffer under this facial prejudice. One thing is sure, though – they’ll either hate you, try to copy you or wonder about you; you simply won’t ever go unnoticed – whether on Instagram or in real life.

So, if you’ve already got one or hope to get one, here are a few tips to help you get/stay in the zone. Hint: we’ve observed the faces of Bitch Face Queens, followed their routines and came up with the following:

Stay motionless

Most of us mimic and gesticulate a lot when we talk to emphasize the message we’re trying to get across. However, the key to keeping your bitch mode in check is to keep your face and body motionless as much as possible, talk in slow intervals and appear calm and collected. Try to keep your eyes looking semi-tired and look at the other person in a bored way (even when you are not bored). Avoid frowning, quick body movements or raising your voice. Paradoxically enough, the calmer you appear, the bitchier you vibe.  

Use dark makeup

Dark makeup will make you look like a badass. The darker the lip and lid, the more “dangerous” you’ll look. Apart from going with regular dark shades of red and purple, you can experiment with weird and unexpected shades like yellow, cherry, velvet offered by one of the bitch face queens – Rihanna and her brand Fenty. Don’t overdo the makeup, just make a point with all the right colors.

Or no colors at all

A plain, makeupless face, like Kristen Stewart’s, is a go-to for every bitch who wants to tell the world how important she is and how highly she thinks of herself; the absence of makeup is her intellectual statement, a voice against the superficial. Naturally, nurturing your skin with Asap skin products to look healthy, fresh and glowing is paramount. No one appreciates an acne bitch face, do they?

Stare uninterested

If you are talking to a person (i.e. are made talk to someone you don’t like) look through them to express your disinterest. A sassy comment in a neutral tone is ace, but don’t go overboard. Also, don’t avoid the person’s look by looking away – that’s just uncultured. And, if you want to be outright rude, wear glasses. Why the hell not!?

Peter Minkoff
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